Remind me of Your Love - "A Time of Testing in the Wilderness After the 40-Day Fast"

I had a case of hyperthermia today. I wouldn't say it was mild because I was almost passing out on my bed and the room was so warm I don't know what would have happened had I stayed there and passed out. My whole body was burning and my temperature was so high..

Do you know that feeling when your body is failing you and your will wants to fight yet you are too weak to move? Well, I felt that way. I felt so weak from vomiting thrice, and my body rejected the water I was taking in. So I was very dehydrated as well.

Why am I sharing all these? Well, there's a lesson right here in the midst of all the ugly things that just happened if you linger long enough to read through this post. Todays incident reminded me of my humanity - how feeble humans are and how easily affected our bodies can be from the weather, atmosphere, and circumstances around us.

I've never been this sick in a while. I have always felt physically strong and able, because I do what I can to care for my health. But today a blow of testing had come on me physically, and it tremendously affected my emotions and thought process.

I was just watching and noting down Doug Addison's (he's an online prophet, pretty accurate stuff) prophecy from April 4, which was a relevant prophetic word concerning 3 months of healing that is going to take place for God's people, specifically in the 3 areas of: broken hearts, broken dreams, and broken hope.

When i felt so sick earlier God had brought back to my memory some of the things that I have done in my past life. Mostly, He was bringing back memories of things I've done in the earlier years of my Christian walk.

As human beings, we do shameful things. And Christians are not exempted from this reality. Shame comes when we choose sin over doing what's right in God's sight. And this is what I have been feeling mostly in my earlier years of walking down this narrow road - shame and condemnation over unrighteous habits I have grown accustomed to before the years of my salvation. I truly loved Jesus, but I would find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of compromise despite being a professing follower of God.

Maybe it was time to shed some light into these unhealed areas of my past. I found myself recently opening up about these areas to Christian sisters I know I could trust. It was such a humbling act to be able to speak out those memories into the open and realize that they no longer have power over me. I am thankful for moments like these. God has been so committed to my healing.

Those who know me are aware that I've grieved the loss of my mother and not having a mother to lean on in times like these is the hardest feeling. But God has not abandoned me. Today, someone took the time to intentionally care for me. I felt God's love through this person's acts of kindness. I felt His mother heart flow through her as she gave me cold compress on my head and feet (because my temperature was burning hot). This woman he used, whom I don't have a close relationship with, even gave me a back massage! My whole body was hurting because i felt so dehydrated and it really did ease the pain.

After seeing the compassionate love that she showed me, I have regained a hope and trust that I felt grew dim in this area of my life - that people can love and care for me freely without conditions because of the love that they have for Jesus Christ.

I was feeling so weak and hopeless, but God made someone available to love on me and to take care of me. For this, I am ever so thankful. I was able to open up to her about parts of my past which I knew needed healing. And just as I did, I felt freedom from them just by being able to share it to her. There is so much power in bringing something to light at the right time and place.

Right now, after almost over a month of not having proper water supply in the missionary staff house I am staying at, and after the hyperthermia incident that happened to me earlier, I'm back home with my family and recovering. My sister picked me up with her boyfriend and that really helped me a lot. Then my grandmother is taking care of me right now. She's amazing. There are people that are aware of my current condition and backing me up with prayers.

That hyperthermia could have been worst. It could have led to heat exhaustion or me being unconscious on my bed in a really hot summer afternoon. Who knows what would have happened? Yet I felt God's hand on me despite this trial.

I am reminded of the times in the past that I could have almost lost my life from my poor choices of wild and reckless living. Yet here I am, still alive today and able to say that my God is gracious.

The words in psalm 121 resonated to me deeply during this time of trial:

"I lift my eyes toward the mountains.

Where will my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

your Protector will not slumber or sleep.

The Lord protects you;

the Lord is a shelter right by your side.

The sun will not strike you by day

or the moon by night.

The Lord will protect you from all harm;

he will protect your life.

The Lord will protect your coming and going

both now and forever."

After this incident, my heart was overflowing with gratitude: Thank you God for reminding me that you love me despite my mistakes. And thank you for restoring my hope in this lifetime.

What I went through was a test of faith. When things get hard, when times get rough, will I lean on God for support and trust Him to take care of me? Or will I wallow in negativity, fear, and bitterness?

Looking back as I re-write this post (because the older post was so messy from my groggy mind) - this was truly a test of the heart.

My prayer is this:

Lord, let my heart keep burning for You. Let it never grow cold in its love.

With that said, thank you for reading this far. Until my next entry.

Christy