"Do you wish to get well?"

Jesus asked this to the paralytic man in John 5:6. What a thought provoking question.

It's finally time for a new entry.

How do I articulate what I really want to say?

What God is doing in my heart and in my life has been beyond what I expected it can look like. The restoration and healing has been very evident. I am no longer who I used to be. I am no longer the baggages I carried. I am no longer the mindsets I clung to over three decades. I find myself grasping for words. But my heart is able to discern what God spoke to my spirit through His holy scriptures: I am in the midst of a Joel 2 restoration.

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm — my great army that I sent among you.

— Joel 2:25

Joel 2 speaks about restoration of years that the locusts have eaten. My story and testimony started with a life devoured by swarming locusts and all kinds of pestilence. This is figurative language that came in the form of spiritual sickness manifesting in various kinds of ways. Things that one would never wish to happen to anyone, happened before my very eyes.

Most of the devastation was beyond my control. And at times when I refused to accept that there was too much of my story spiraling out of control, I would try to take hold of the stirring wheel in the driver seat of my life, trying to cope by doing things my way. My salvation at 20 did not make my baggages in life go away, it only gave me the awareness of it. The precious Holy Spirit who lives inside me helps me remember when i forget, that true salvation also entails lordship to Jesus Christ. It was the constant decision of surrendering my baggages to God over the years, that brought me true freedom.

I'm saying this as someone who made the decision to pursue inner healing through...

one on one Christian therapy, group therapy workshops, a psychotherapy weekend retreat, going through resources like Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and Emotionally Healthy Woman, and taking on the Glorious Hope Recovery program last year. It will be my second time re-taking it this year in a new cycle, just because I know that i would still benefit from it. These were all 6 years in the making, up-to date.

The sickness i carried over the years was hidden in plain sight. But to me it was very real, as it would wreak havoc in my soul and to my life, which included my work and relationships. I would procrastinate certain tasks, leave things i start unfinished, get easily stressed with an overloaded schedule, and have difficulty coping with relational issues.

There used to be a dark cloud that would hover me whenever i would feel triggered by a past memory or unsettled by what would be unearthed inside me. It was a real mental, emotional, and physical battle. I praise God that amidst the turmoil and the confusion, Jesus continues to becomes my greatest need. When pain tends to tempt me, Jesus fights for me to become my strongest reality.

After battling with this for most of my life, last year, something drastically shifted. it was not dramatic. It was events building one after the other. But it sure looked like a 'suddenly of God.'

Last year, my life was shooked to the core. There were many shakings in my life. But there are certain times where the shaking feels like it just wouldn't stop. Last year was one of them.

• Grandma's untimely death

• Moving houses twice in a span of 2 months

• Living alone for the first time for 7 months (i was not ready yet)

• Broken relationships happening simultaneously

• Loss of communities and ministries I labored hard years towards

• A married man who i trusted as an older brother tried to make an inappropriate move on me which resulted to me staying away from him and his family who was like home to me for seasons

All these loss of homes, community, family, and a sense of stability and belongingness was a painful yet integral process I had to go through to be brought out of my comfort zones and be prepared for my next season.

Joel 2 restoration does not look like how we usually envision it to look. The devastation may look similar to the loss of things that once were, but it is a demolition unto rebuilding. And a destruction unto restoration.

God is a rebuilder of what was broken and He will stop at nothing to accomplish His purposes in order to rebuild His church into a bride that will be made ready, pure and spotless for Jesus' return.

The unfortunate events that have transpired in my life in the 11th year of my Christian walk was very similar to the earlier 'earthquake events' that culminated to my salvation in Day 1.

• I grew up without the presence of a father

• I had lost my younger brother to cancer

• I lost my mother to cancer 6 years after

But yet, see where the grace of God has brought me to 12 years down the road.

I am enjoying a healing, peace, and joy that could only come from understanding the perfect love of our Heavenly Father.

And i would not have been able to grasp this love and take hold of it to the level I am able to receive this now, had it not been for God's grace that has carried me through the heartwork of a 6-year inner healing journey. As well as, partnering with God to position me in places where His presence and Spirit is being poured out, that made it possible for me to receive more of this wonderful love.

These and not discounting the daily rhythms of grace where time with God is an intentional necessity; a life-giving oil and balm to such brokenness.

So this is 32. I've never felt so filled to the brim by His love as i do now.

Spiritually:

• The way i worship Him has changed.

• The way i pray has changed.

• The way i receive His words in the bible has changed.

• The way i desire and long for Him has grown.

• And the way i serve has become more from His grace than my own striving.

Physically:

• I exercise weekly through our Tuesday Night Run Club and a racket sport when opportunity opens.

• I've learned to slow down and I don't over-indulge in sports like I used to (which was also a coping mechanism).

• I eat more home-cooked meals.

• I make sure to have good sleep and not pressure myself on what time i sleep or wake for this month as long as i get my tasks done.

• I take less caffeine after my recent 21-days coffee fast.

Financially:

• I'm learning what it means to trust God to provide for my every need as long as I continue to seek first His Kingdom: "God's will, God's bill."

• I'm learning to see money as my training ground towards deeper faith in God.

• I'm learning in different lenses what this means and how to live it out in new terrains: "faith is the currency of the Kingdom"

Socially:

• I no longer invest my efforts towards one-sided relationships.

• I no longer feel like I'm missing out on events on social media where my friends are.

• I can miss people but be content with where I am at and rejoice with them with where they are at.

• I no longer hold on to people who were only meant to stay for a season of my life.

• I've been enjoying the relationships that reciprocate and have been life giving.

Mentally and emotionally:

• I am no longer defined by certain wrong belief systems and destructive coping mechanisms.

• I am learning to name and renounce old fears.

• I am learning to finish what i start, to procrastinate less until it will no longer be a part of my identity or unhealthy response to certain tasks. I have just learned from our GH session today, that feelings of overwhelm is rooted from a wrong belief system I carried with me as a child which often leads to procrastination and a lack of confidence on a certain task.

• I am learning to put boundaries with my time and prioritize rest by giving space to just being with God without striving to produce. But allowing what i produce to be a byproduct of being with God.

• I am learning to be okay with unsettled relational matters knowing that i am not in control of how others will respond, but i can control how i respond to them and the situation.

  
  

This is all to testify how God's redemptive love looks like in my life. It is a tangible, relateable, and progressive kind of healing that takes my partnership. God's love has always been and will always be the utmost and supreme kind of love that brings such steadiness, stability and security we can only yearn from our own loving and available earthly fathers. Yet this love has been made available to us by our perfect Father in Heaven (YHWH) through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross.

Now as December approaches and i'm turning 33, there is excitement more than there is fear. I know Jesus died for me at the age of 33. I used to fear death and the discomfort that comes from it. At the times I was hard-pressed in every side and i've learned what it was like to partner with that death, i started to understand and comprehend what resurrection life feels like. To hold on to this and desire God's presence more than anything encourages me to see the cross as a reward more than it is a burden. I would trade my comfort for the cross as He graces me to behold and believe.

I heard this from one of the wake services before; as i was in the midst of my grief and trying to make sense of all the lives i had lost, this phrase stayed with me through the years: "Death is a doorway."

I think what the priest meant was that "death is a doorway to the next life..."

As i continue to live on for Christ's name, I will remind myself to see "death as a doorway....to deeper encounters with God."

How exciting it is to know that God has appointed divinely orchestrated encounters for us in this lifetime.

In Day 1, God took a hold of me.

And in year 11, God renovated my heart to rebuild me.

How does the rebuilding look like now?

Until the next entry.

Maranatha

--------

A side note:

When the Holy Spirit prompted me to write an entry, i did not know what it was going to be about. To be honest, this has been quite a vulnerable post for my current comfortable space. haha but don't we just need that nudge?

I have been wanting to write about the House of Wilderness for God has been doing many amazing things.

But perhaps before the HOW, this entry is a prelude with the WHAT.

For those of you who know what i've been doing with the Lord and with our small group of the Wilderness community lately, i hope this part of my journey shed light as a backdrop to, "What led to the HOW?"

We are hoping to curate a newsletter for the House of Wilderness for the end of the year. Do pray with us for that! That God will grant us the wisdom to articulate our journey with Him well as a house.

If you want to know more about HOW or want to talk to me about how you related to this post, don't hesitate to message. More details about HOW will be posted on my next blog entry, as the Spirit leads.

Blessings!

Christy