Humble Beginnings

God is forging a message in me. One I cannot yet comprehend. It is humbling even, to just take this time to write and process through what He is doing in me. A part of me is getting quite impatient because of the so much "more" I see that God is wanting to reveal about Himself and His kingdom. But my better conscience reminds me that I have to be faithful with the little first so that I can be entrusted with more (Luke 16:10). So with this gentle and humbling reminder I wait patiently, yet eagerly for the discipline or shall i say the "test" that is coming upon me to refine character that could contain this message of the Kingdom that I earnestly desire to receive.

My team and I at Chop just came out of a corporate 40-day prayer and fasting which started February 1 upto March 12. The purpose for this fast was to be intentional in labouring for the establishment of God's dwelling place in Cebu City. This was not the first 40-day fast I have done. God had led me to do one personally before I was even a part of Chop. This was on April 1 to May 10, 2018, last year. Out of my hunger and desperation for God to give me direction He has led me to commit to being a part of Cebu House of Prayer by June 1, which was the following month after I had finished my personal fast. And I just found out recently (which makes it a year after) that my leader, Shawn, started a personal and discreet 40-day fast as well on February 2018, which was 2 months prior to me doing my personal fast. A week before he finished his fast on March 5, I joined in on the same school that he was doing called 'Word By Heart' and ended up getting to know him and his wife, Anna, more because I would constantly be sitting beside both of them at the back of the class since I came almost always late due to having to drive a far distance from my house to the YWAM Talisay base.

It was such a struggle and a difficult time for me. But looking back I am so blessed to see how God had been working on my behalf to weave me into His storyline at the house of prayer. He saw my hunger and He knew my struggle. He saw a heart that wanted to love Him more but was incapable of doing so because of all the baggages it carried.

For 9 months since I started committing to the house of prayer it did not get easier for me. I had to constantly fight my way through all these many different battles that were raging in and around me. Baggages that I was carrying from my past started to come out one after the other. Then the biggest of them all, which was just revealed to me nearing towards the end of the 9 months, was my 10 year worth of trauma induced by the loss of my younger brother, my mother, and the absence of my father. I felt abandoned by 3 major people in my life, plus in between all these were 2 very broken relationships that I was involved with as a coping mechanism for my grief, depression, and unexplainable pain. I had to deal with the loss of 6 people - the sixth person being myself. I felt like in the process of trying to swim out of this horrid nightmare called 'life' I had lost the Christy that used to have it all together. It was then that I realized I didn't know who I really was apart from my family and past relationships.

February 1, 2019 was the start of something new for me, really. 9 months is symbolic for birthing and I felt like i have been reborn again into a new person. Starting this fast God was encountering my team and I in the prayer room and I remember His presence being so strong. Some people were crying and wailing and I was on my knees about doing the same. It was this day when I asked Him to give me the Spirit of the House of Prayer. And I knew then and there that He'd given it to me. I received something so valuable that even to this day I do not have the words to describe this gift that was just entrusted into my spirit. The whole 40-day fast felt like bliss for my spiritual walk. Although I had to endure hunger pangs and mild discomforts which is normal for people who fast, there was so much grace in just fasting alongside this house corporately; and because I know that I had received what I asked for by faith, that grace enabled me to be more self-controlled, patient, and meek.

This journey has been quite overwhelming. When I don't know what to do with the secrets entrusted to me I mostly just write them down on my journals as a way of processing things and I get to look back at them after a time if I am led to and the Holy Spirit gives me understanding for them. What I have learned in my Christian journey is to be faithful with recording the revelations that has been given to me, and in turn God will be faithful to reveal His secrets when the time is right. Mostly He just doesn't reveal things yet because maybe I'm just not ready for them. I might become too proud, arrogant, or conceited and it beats the purpose of these revelations because in the end the goal is love. The goal is Jesus - His Son; my Bridegroom King; who is Love in the flesh.

So when I get impatient and frustrated I have to remind myself of the bigger picture and trust God in the process despite how challenging it can be. One of my fellow staff prayed this prayer recently and I just thought of writing it down on paper: "God, help us to move when you want us to move, and to stop when you want us to stop. Lead us God, we trust in You."

In this process of awakening there is a refining. Everyday the goal is to be awakened in love and intimacy. At the end of the day, if my heart is not filled with love for God and for people, I have failed. The prayer in my heart tonight and every waking day is this: "Father, teach me how to love like You do."

With that said and shared,

This is Christy; a Chinita Redeemed.

Thank you for taking the time to read!